Something to hold on to...

"Today I am one day nearer home than ever before. One day nearer the dawning when the fog will lift, mysteries clear, and all question marks straighten up into exclamation points!
 I shall see the King!"     Vance Havner

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Kenya Bound

Tonight husband and I drove over to the Bible college town to see our youngest and to take him out to dinner before he leaves on Thursday for Kenya. Usually when we show up to take him to dinner he asks if a few friends can join us, (we have had as many as 7 before)…we lucked out tonight, only one friend joined us. This guy is also going to Kenya and we were glad to meet him. We went to the local Cracker Barrel. Yum. I figured a tasty All-American meal would be good for the boys. We also delivered airplane goodie bags for youngest to pass out to the kids on the trip. It is a long flight you know.

So keep him in your prayers that God would bless their labor and help them be a blessing to those they meet. Pray that God would prepare their hearts for what they will see and experience. And while you are praying you might put in a word or two for me. While I love it that he is going, I know I will be at greater peace when he is home. I thought I was fine, but the tears came when we said goodbye. I am sure he expected that.

Saturday, March 24, 2007


I know I have really been slacking off in my blogging lately. I am truly sorry. Both of my sons have big events coming up and the details have me very busy. Youngest leaves this Thursday bright and early for his trip to Kenya. He is getting very excited. I spent a good part of today running around and purchasing various items for the trip. I think he is basically ready. We are making a trip this Tuesday to take him out to dinner and take him all his trip essentials. I am also getting excited, and I can honestly say that at this point I am not apprehensive at all. If I were to see him off at the airport, I might think differently, but as for now I am fine. We will see how I feel Tuesday evening. I still think I will be fine, because I know how well suited he is for this trip.

Oldest son is also making preparations for his upcoming trip. Today we purchased his ticket for Amsterdam. This is an item for prayer. He will have to have a special permit allowing him to stay and “work” for six months. Anything less and a permit would not be necessary. Ironically, you have to pay for this permit, and they are not cheap. This will cost about $600.00. Pretty hefty, when he will not be paid anything to “work” there his first 3 months, and after that he will receive only about $60.00 a month. Plus, these permits take time and are a bit of a process. As for now, since the permit will not be finalized for about 6 weeks, and since rarely they do not go through, we purchased only a one-way ticket. As soon as we know his return date, hopefully in early December we will watch for our best price to purchase the return ticket. (Unless he falls in love, marries, and decides to stay…)

Oldest son is also making preparations for his graduations this May from his two colleges. That will be a hectic day for sure, one commencement at 10:00 am, and the other, 30 miles away at another college, at 2:00 pm. He is not really anxious about the second commencement, but he is doing it for Mom. Then he will have 17 days at home before Amsterdam.

So, I do have good reasons for slacking off, and once again, I will try to do better.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

This and That

I want to thank you all for your prayers on Saturday, I am much better now, it is just a one-day a year funk that I go through. I am focusing this week on the here and now. Meaning, our youngest son, who is here now for his college spring break. I will be very busy this week cooking real food, as he does not want anything from a microwave or remotely considered fast food. Yesterday I made him a Texas Chocolate Sheet Cake, which I hope he eats lots of. Two of his friends are coming to visit later in the week and he wants steaks when they come, but I am not sure the new budget will allow them. We will see, maybe if I buy nothing else at the store...for a week.

He is getting very excited about his upcoming trip to Kenya; we will go out later in the week to pick up trip necessities. His group will have a six-hour layover in Zurich, Switzerland. Oh, how he is hoping to get out of the airport. One of his goals in life is to visit all seven continents (I questioned him about Antarctica, but it is still on his list). He is planning on counting Europe when he lands in Switzerland. What do you think Bloggers, is that legal. Believe it or not, after Kenya he will have 4 of the 7 off his list. (If we allow Europe)

Well, now much more for now, but I wanted to let you all know that I am doing fine.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

March 3rd

I do not like this day. I never will. It is odd that an event, which happened 29 years ago, would shape my life forever. I have often said that I do not want to be defined by the events of my life, but rather by my reaction to them. I am not so sure that my reaction to this event has yet been finalized. I am still reacting to it. But does this event “define” me? I never wanted it to, but in some ways I guess it does. I changed forever that day.

29 years ago today my mother died. Most people step around that word, calling it passing, left, departed, lost, even expired. I just say it like it is. She died. The word and everything about it is ugly. I know it has to happen, and that it’s the way God created us, but it still stinks.

I was 21 years old. Five weeks until my wedding day. Five weeks to adjust from the saddest most hurtful day of my life to the most wonderful day. I still miss her. I miss our times together, but mostly now, I miss what we did not have, and what we will never have. I have lived more without her than I did with her, and my entire married life has held this huge void. Not once could I call my mother for a recipe, household tip, or parenting advice. Never did she hold, kiss, or baby-sit my boys. She never visited my home, commented on my decorating, or helped me pick out curtains and wallpaper. Yes, I miss my mother, but I miss the idea of a mother just as much.

To be fair, I must tell you that God stepped in to help with that void, as two incredible people became valuable mentors in my journey to womanhood, and without them I cannot tell you what I would have done.

One is my sister. I leaned on her hard in those early days. We both hurt so badly and in many ways wanted each other to fill the void that we felt. I tried to turn her into a surrogate mother, and looked to her for all types of advice and assistance. I just did not realize that being “my mother” was not really a role she desired at that time, she was grieving too hard. She needed to be just my sister, and I was grieving too hard to notice. Over the years though, our relationship as sisters is stronger than ever, and our now our roles are clear.

My other anchor became my mother-in-law. I know, it does not fit with conventional wisdom, that I would have an incredible relationship with my husband’s mother. On the day of my mother’s funeral, my soon to be mother-in-law whispered in my ear that she did not want to replace my mother, but that she would “be there if I needed her”. She did not know what she getting herself into…I have never stopped needing her!

There are few bonds stronger than that of a mother and child. That this bond would be so strong this far from the grave is a mystery to me. Will I still ache on this day 29 years from now? Will I still grieve and have pity parties when I think about the times we never had? I guess time will tell.

In the past, I have tried to use this day to celebrate her, rather than grieve. I have worn my mother’s favorite color: pink. I have gone to visit my sister and aunt and we all wore pink. I do not know yet what all this day will bring. I will try to focus on the best parts of the time I had with her, but yet realistically, I will be sad as well.

If you have a living mother, take a moment for me, and think of her. Think of the ways she has enriched your life. Think of the things you take for granted, and cherish them now. And while you are thinking, think of me please, just on this day. I still hate it.