A new A - Z

I find it interesting that my last posts were my A-Z stories.

Tonight I am thinking of A-Z in a whole new way. Take the logo for Amazon for instance, there is an arrow which forms a smile from the letters a and z, meaning they happily provide everything you would possibly need, from a-z.  However, what I am really thinking of tonight is another a-z,  quite actually the Greek alphabet's version of such.  Alpha - Omega.  The beginning and the end.  Ironically, in some odd way my two examples of A-Z have merged recently in my life.

A couple of weeks ago, I found on Amazon a free digital book for my Kindle. It is a new release, written by Joni Eareckson Tada.  It is a book about healing.  I found this book on the very day I was having an ultrasound which would prove to show something unwanted growing in my body.  A few days later, also on Amazon, I run across another free book, this one by Ravi Zacharias, detailing how God has woven the details of our lives. 

Now some would say it is merely coincidence that I would run across both of these books at this time in my life, but I choose to believe that God had a hand in this.  God is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.  As I walk through a new medical trial in my life I know that this is where my strength will come.  

Both books have taught me much in such a short time , and yes, I am reading them at the same time.  Joni's book (first name basis?) has taught me that while I may seek physical healing for this thing hidden in my body, I should at the same time be seeking spiritual healing for the things I choose to keep hidden. As you pray for me, pray for my complacency, my negativity, my selfishness and so much more that needs refined.   Mr. Zacharias is teaching me that I should not fear these days of my life, because they have already been woven by God in His wisdom.  

Amazon has marketed well their ability to provide all we think we need, but in all reality, they can not.  All I need is provided by my faith and my relationship with my God. My Alpha and Omega. 

U is for Ugly

is for Ugly.

Now, I must admit that the letter U had me stumped for a very long time. Well over a month. I did not want to go with umbrella, or unicorn, or anything starting with "un". I had to wait until something inspired me. With the current heat wave I am not getting inspired by much, so the challenge was great.

Today it hit me:
Ugly.

Not the word you would expect me to devote a post to. This blog is about the "Silver Lining", and the whole concept of that is supposed to be positive. Is there anything positive in such a word as ugly?

I think so.

The first thing I think of is the old adage, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Well, isn't the same true with ugly? Be it dogs, decor, or even people, we all have different ideas about which one is pretty or ugly.

I have a scar.

It is quite large, and in reality is shaped much like the letter U. By the world's standards it is undesirable, unattractive, and ugly (three Us). But think about this. That one scar on my body is a reminder of the grace of God, a reminder of surviving what I later learned was a cancer that was very much not in my favor, and very much a smile from God. (You can read about 'A smile from God" here)

During our summer youth conference we sometimes have a small group ice breaker called "show me your scar". It is amazing that people young and old really like the opportunity to tell the story about their physical scars. You will hear stories about bicycle accidents, sports injuries, and surgeries. There is something about talking openly about what people are taught never to discuss or question. It is rather "freeing". It seems to turn what one would think of as being ugly into a story. I just happen to have a visible scar close enough to my face that makes it seem a taboo subject to talk about.

I will admit that in the weeks following surgery, I was quite concerned about the appearance of this scar, and even blogged about my thoughts regarding it. You can read those initial thoughts here. But as time has passed and admit-tingly, as the scar and my opinion of it have improved, I realize that is is quite beautiful in many ways.

I do not think of it as ugly anymore. Truth be told, sometimes I forget I have it, and sometimes it takes me noticing that someone else, a stranger, is fixated on it before I stop to think about it.

I have taken this to heart. When I see a scar on someone else, especially if it is large, or facial, or what some would call dis-figuring, I try to remember that there is a story behind it. That perhaps that scar has saved their life, that perhaps that scar is a reminder of a serious event that has changed them, but I will never think it as being ugly.

If ugly is also in the eye of the beholder. Let's behold beauty instead.

H is for Health

is for Health

Something I have the bad habit of taking for granted.

I know someone who had a very serious cancer. She was cured, but has also been know for being negative about basically everything. I vowed that if I were ever in that position I would surely be more upbeat and positive.

In a sense, I am in that position. Am I a positive person? I am not sure. I know I am not nearly as much as I should be.

Most who have been reading my blog already know about my health history. Much of the details are contained in prior posts. I am not reflecting on these events just to tell my readers about my story, yet to remind myself.

Funny, when I was walking through these events, I never thought I would want to be reminded.

The heart attack was first. May 27, 2008. It just seems so surreal to even think about those days, and to think that a heart attack saved my life. About a week or two after the heart attack, a test was done on my heart that essentially did save my life. That test showed the tumor on my thyroid. This later proved to be a rare form of thyroid cancer. There is a particular test, a blood marker that detects this form of cancer. This test was done prior to surgery, a normal reading is 2 and under. Mine was 1375. I was recently told that a number this high usually indicates that the cancer has spread. I was so blessed, because the surrounding lymph nodes (83 of them) were all clear, and I was surgically cured on September 10, 2008.

I still can hardly believe that God led me through this as He did. I don’t really ask Him why, although for a while I did. I wondered why I was cured when others are not. That is not a question for me to know at this point, so I stopped asking.

The cancer blood test is repeated every 6 months and will be for the rest of my life. This cancer can come back even without the thyroid. It can return in other parts of the body, and does not respond to chemo or radiation. Catching this early, and having it surgically removed is the best line of defense. Do I live in fear? I really don’t, but I would be lying if I did not say that I live in the shadow of cancer. I will mark 3 years this fall, and am anxious for the 5 year mark. Honestly, I am anxious for the 10, 20, and 30 year marks. While I try not to dwell on it, I do at times wonder if it will ever return.

I want to live a grateful life. I remember the day of my heart attack. I turned to the Doctor and told him that he had to make sure I lived. I told him that my boys could not lose their mother at this stage in their lives. I knew what it was like for me.

I thank God every day that He has allowed that not to happen.

I know I need to try better right now at keeping a healthier lifestyle. That is definitely a goal for me. Life on thyroid medicine has played havoc with my weight, and I need to get that under control. I know that my health is not only important to me, but to my family as well. I must not take this for granted.

Strawberry Jam and the Sweetness of God

It is funny how some things get etched in your brain. Things, that to most are insignificant, like making jam. Today I am home from school due to our 2nd snow day this week, because of the massive mid-west snowstorm. As far as large amounts of snow, our town was spared. We instead, were hammered with little ice pellets for about 30 hours straight. It could have been much worse.

I decided to use these days playing catch up, and I decided to get some things done around the house. In my freezer there was a tub of crushed strawberries that I had purchased last summer at a great price. Things were very busy last summer with moving husband's parents, so I decided just to crush the berries and freeze them for a better time to make jam.

Last night, as soon as I learned school would be canceled for today, I pulled the tub from the freezer. As soon as I pulled out the tub my mind went back to another day. Jake and I did this same thing two and a half years ago. He was living at home, it was in the summer and he had the day off work. We had a tub of berries in the freezer then, pulled it out and started the process. About half way through I received a phone call.

That was the day I learned I had cancer. You can go here to read about that day.

So much is different about today. I am living on the other side of that awful news. Now I can rejoice in simple things, like making jam. Now I can remember the way God led me through a very dark time and how he taught me to trust him.

I suppose I will always think of strawberry jam in a special way, instead of tasting the sweetness of just the berries, I will taste the sweetness of God's promises. God is good. Even in those days of uncertainty about my health, I knew that God loved me and was in control. I hope I conveyed it then. I hope I convey it now.

Updates

The Good:

• Still good.  The boys are still home, and they have been a huge blessing to me today.  I could not have dealt with a broken freezer and transporting all of our coolers filled with food with the way was feeling. 
  

The Bad:

• Freezer was repaired.  This was a big debate, but we decided to see what the repair man had to say.  He was the one who fixed it in December and he cut us a break. No service fee, and he replaced 2 parts, but only charged us for the cheapest of the two.  Our bill was only $48.00.  It is working very well tonight, and I will let it run till tomorrow afternoon to fill it.    I will just have to check this daily from now on , just to be safe.  
•  A funny thing happened today  when the boys were transporting all of our frozen food to the folks' house.  One of them called to report in and I told them I couldn't talk because the freezer guys were here, and I was tied up in the basement...I guess I should be careful about what I say. 
• Laundry has been drastically been reduced, and I am seeing an end to all of the piles.  This has  been an entire family affair, and I am glad to get it done. 
• I am still coughing my head off.  I just took a dose of my codeine cough syrup, so we will see how that goes. Since  I am on steroids and codeine, I sure hope I do not need a drug test. 

The Ugly:

• We are working on that, husband and boys are doing some chores for me, and before the night is out we should have a decent house again. 

I always need to remember that stressful moments have a way of working out.  I will admit that this morning I felt very overwhelmed.  I am doing much better with that right now. 

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good:

• Both of our boys are home this weekend.  I do not think that has happened since Christmas. It is good to have them both home, to talk with and to see them interact as brothers. They are very close. 
• They presented me with a beautiful and delicate sterling silver chainmaille bracelet.  I know that word chainmaille makes you think of anything but delicate, but I assure you this is very pretty.  A friend of youngest' in the art department makes them, and the boys bought one for me for Mother's Day.  I will post pictures of it later on, but it needs re-sized.  The only petite part about me other than my height, is the size of my wrists.  
• Youngest also purchased a used laptop from the same girl and gave that to me as well.  It only needed a new battery and a power cord.  I was able to purchase both of those with my Swagbucks' Amazon gift cards.  I only had to pay $13.00 out of pocket.  I tell ya, those Swagbucks add up.  I have earned over $50.00 in gift cards since Christmas! 

The Bad:

• My freezer went out!  Arrrgh.  This is the second time since December that this has happened.  Luckily my boys were home, and luckily my in-laws have plenty of room in theirs, and luckily we got everything transferred before we lost anything. (I am a stockpiler you know)  I have spent the morning on the phone and have about decided to just purchase a new one.  This is the third time over all that we have had a problem, and this freezer is less than 9 years old!  I have located one in town and I feel that we just might go make our purchase tonight.  Good thing we have not spent our Christmas money from the folks!    Just the process of dealing with this has left me depleted of any possible energy  for the day. 
• I feel awful.  This tail end of whatever is kicking my behind and I woke up seriously dragging.  I had another one of those coughing spells and  felt I pulled every muscle across my upper chest.   On Thursday I returned to the walk-in clinic and an x-ray showed my lungs were clear, but they felt I still had inflammation, and put me on a dose of steroids.   As you see from the above bullet, I did not really need the freezer to go out on this day. 
• There are more loads of laundry than I care to count.  A very busy week last week, and this week, plus my sickened state, have all stacked up our laundry.  The  boys brought home about 5 loads between them.  They are good helpers, and it will get done, but it is a bit overwhelming at the moment. 

The Ugly:

• My house.  Okay, I know, some things we just have to let go.  Along with the boys this weekend came a lot of stuff.  Youngest will be coming home for the summer next week, and he got a head start on bringing home his most valued possessions.  There are just so many storage spaces to immediately put things, and one those are taken, the rest has to sit here and there for a while.  I just hate it that "here and there" are in my main living spaces.  This too shall pass, but for now the house is cluttered, messy, and truth be told , not as clean as I would like. (remember, busy weeks and puny  me)

Well, that about sums it up.  I think I need a personal maid-nurse-organizer-repair person to come to my beck and call.  Anyone out there fit the bill? 

Recovering

I have spent the last few days pretty much house bound, recovering from a bout with pneumonia.  It hit me all at once, I just felt like I had a cold coming on and then on Saturday morning I felt awful.  Since a  trip to the walk in clinic on Saturday morning, I have not done much else.  I hope to go back to school tomorrow, because it is technically the "walking" type and I am feeling better.  Going to bed early.  Now I know why I felt so tired last week. 

A Date with the Treamill

I am happy to report tonight that the treadmill and I had a sweet reunion.  After dusting it off (literally) I managed to walk a full 20 minutes .  Now, I realize I was only going 2.7 mph, but it has been a while.  At least I did not fly off the back again.  My sister and I are holding each other accountable in making a few wise choices. I feel pretty good.

Happy Anniversary to me...

It's an anniversary of a different sort.  Today I am cancer free for one year!   This is a date I will take note of each year.  It is a good day for me. 

Dancing in The Rain

I just love it when God gets my attention.  

A couple of posts ago I told you all that I miss that intimacy that I felt with God during my health crisis.  I was pretty much beating myself up over it.

 Well,  just this past Monday night I was with my girlfriends and one wisely told me not to feel bad because she felt that was  just a special time when God just gave me more, basically because I needed it.  She said that even though we are strong Christians, those intimate moments are reserved for times like that.  

 I chewed on that for a few days, ( I am like that, I must have a processing delay because I have to think about things for a while)

 Anyway,  I likened that statement to thinking of a parent. Thinking of a parent  who although has lots of children and loves them all equally,  the sick one gets to sit on their lap.  Thus, the sick one obviously feels a special connection at that moment in time  to that parent.  

Now if that revelation was not enough to make me "get it", God did it again. 

 This morning in church, it was almost as if God whispered, "Anita, it's not raining." 

 You may think I am crazy, and what in the world does that mean?  So, I will try to explain my train of thought this way. 

Remember when you were little, and playing or dancing in the rain was actually a fun thing to do?   My boys would beg to go out in the rain.  I was always the worried mom, thinking that a stray bolt of lightening would jump out of the sprinkles and hit my boys.  I was mostly too cautious to let them enjoy the hidden blessing in a rain storm.  I did give in at one point, and encouraged them to enjoy the rain.  I even  have the picture to prove it:

Look at those faces.  Do they care that it is raining?  

No, they knew how to "dance" in the rain.   They knew that special feeling , that although there might very well be a storm approaching, they had no control over it, and might as well do the best they could in that moment. 

I am thinking that maybe, for a brief moment in time, I remembered that as well.  That although there were "storms" all around me.  I  sought comfort up on God's lap, and at times He encouraged me to go out and dance.  

But to make God's point clear in my life now, I have to realize that it is no longer raining.  I have been very blessed with my recoveries and right now it is not raining in my life.  While I still may enjoy the "dance",  (I still enjoy my relationship with God just as much now as ever) it is not the same as when you dance in the rain.    

That is a special combination of events.  Dancing outside on a sunny day is wonderful, but not nearly the same as facing a storm and enjoying the dance in-spite of the circumstances. 

The following picture is a sign that my sister made for me at Christmas.  I loved it then, but just now the depth of those words are sinking in.  ( I told you I have a delay.  God just works on me that way.)

 

So, I guess I get it.  I can rejoice that I have a great relationship with God right now, when things are clear.  Yet, I can also have the knowledge that if that storm ever rolls back in, that I can crawl to Him, and ask to sit on His lap because I need it.   He will be there to pick me up or hold my hand.  

He will supply whatever I need, and we will dance. 

Not sure where this will take me...

I have been, as I said wrestling with God on a few issues lately.  I just have not felt like I could sit down and put it all into words.  Here goes.  

Warning--this post will not be an upbeat, "look what I bought" kind of post, so continue reading at your own risk.  

Issue #1 :

There is a little girl at our church that is in the midst of a terrible battle with cancer.  She is not even two years old and has endured more than most of us will ever see in a lifetime.  What began as a rare liver cancer has progressed to her lungs and she is fighting for her life.  Her mom keeps a blog  which truly humbles me as I read her updates.  My mind and my knowledge of God tells me that I should not think this way, but my heart hurts and wonders why this little girl is so gravely ill.  More precisely, why was I blessed so much in the last year?  Why did I survive both a heart attack and a rare and serious form of thyroid cancer in a 4 month span?  Why did I dodge the breast cancer scare just a month after that?  I KNOW I should not question these things, but to be completely honest, there is some survivor's guilt going on here.  Why did I get along so well, and this precious little girl is struggling so?  I keep going back to the scripture which tells me that His ways are not my ways. 

 I am not even sure what my ways would be in this situation, and  I guess this is where trust comes in.   I do know that God is in control and that all the days of our lives are numbered,  but until those question marks straighten up I will still wonder. (see the quote at the top of my blog- -something to hold on to- -) 

If you have a special scripture to share with me here, feel free, just be sensitive to the fact that I already know that I  should not feel this way.  My heart just hurts for her and her family, and those feelings lead me to this thinking .  

Issue #2

I am going to be really honest here and tell you that I have struggled with this for some time. 

 I will set this one up this way:

Imagine you are the parent of a quite independent child.  That child rarely calls, rarely visits, and  does not come to you for much advice, because they prefer to handle things on their own. They live each day, pretty much without your help.   Now, at the same time, there is no doubt in your mind, or theirs for that matter, that they truly love you.  There is no rebellion here, just an independence that prevents them from communicating much.  When a serious issue occurs though , they will call and visit more frequently.  

This is where I came in.  I have become that independent child and I hate it. 

 I am speaking spiritually here, and if you know me well, then you know that my earthly parents have been gone a very long time.   My relationship with God however, is not at all where I want it to be. 

When I was dealing with my previous health issues I was so very dependent on God.  There was nothing I could "fix" on my own and I cried out to him moment by moment.  The song,  "I Need Thee Every Hour"  became a life song for my husband and I .  I looked for wisdom from God everywhere.  I listened and I truly felt He spoke to me.  I picked up wisdom in songs, conversations with friends and family, scriptures, and little things throughout each day.  I hungered for Him.  I needed Him to fill my days and my nights. Especially my nights.  I was taught so many lessons about waiting, trusting, and knowing that things would be okay.  One way or another, things would be okay. 

Where did that longing go?  Now, before I have the nay-sayers telling me that God is just a crutch,  I do not believe that for a minute.  I know that it is because of my everyday relationship with God that led me to cling to Him tighter during my storms.  But, truth be told, I want that deep hunger again.  

I do not want cancer again,  but I want the dependency of God once more.  Part of me tells me that the fact that I am wrestling with this is stirring up those longings once again anyway.  I just want to get back to that feeling where I lived as if  God was truly everything.  

I was asked last week if I wanted cancer again, to which I said no.  Then I was asked if I wish it never happened.  That was not so easy to answer, because of what I just revealed.  I learned so much about God during that time, was blessed so greatly by God, by friends, and by my family.  It would be sad to have not experienced those blessings in a lifetime. 

I am not sure I will have a quick resolve to either of these issues.  I am just the type of person that until I write about them, they stay all bottled up and will fester all the more.   I covet your prayers though as I do work through these. 

The Bucket List

Tonight husband and I hunkered down and watched a movie together. 

 I was really hunkered down, I was wrapped up in my Snuggie (yes, I have one thanks to my father in law) and another blanket on top of that one.  This nasty cold was making me freeze.  Another thing about this cold:  husband picked us up some sandwiches for supper (pizza burgers from a favorite restaurant), and I could hardly taste mine.  What a waste.

Anyway, back to my point of this post. 

 We watched The Bucket List.  I am not a fan of Jack Nicholson, in fact, I even avoid his movies. However,  I had heard from a few people that this one was good so we put it in our Netflix queue.   I must say that it is a good movie.  Made me sad though.  Also made me think about my own "bucket list", rather the fact that I don't have one.  That movie makes me wish I did though.  The last year makes you think about that stuff.  Now, I realize that I am not in the same boat (thankfully) as the guys in the movie, but I still wonder what I would like to do.  

I wonder, is that something you have ever thought about?

I'm Baaaack

Ah to be feeling well again.

Let me say this.  There are many unpleasant things in life, but puking has to be among the most unpleasant ever!  I am too old for that.  I think it should only be allowed if you are three or under.

  

I stayed home from school today and slept in until 10:30.  I am not usually such a late sleeper, but I knew my body needed it so I did not attempt to get up any earlier.  I feel pretty well now, although I still don't have much of an appetite.  Maybe I can drop a few of the pounds that found me during the last 8-10 months.  That would be a good thing.  

Yuck

I am sick.  At least this time it is "normal, not life threatening  sick"  But I wasn't so sure for a while.

Today started awful and got worse.  I woke up at about 7:00 am with terrible indigestion.  The only other two times in recent memory that I had morning indigestion were the day before and the day of my heart attack.   I put up with it for quite a while. I  took a chewable antacid,(which was terrible by the way)  and waited it out for a while.  Finally at 11:30 I drove myself ( I know, bad idea)  to the convenient care clinic to be checked out.  I was fortunate to see my heart PA at the clinic and he point blank told me to go to the ER.   Again, I drove over by myself.

Not a good day in the local ER.  A glazing of ice on the roads and walkways had already sent 30 people in for falls.  To my "advantage"  anything remotely heart related moves your position in the ER up significantly.  

After 3 hours, an  EKG, blood-work, a chest x-ray and a test for my pancreas, it was decided that I have severe gastritis and sent home.  I was home by 3:00, soon went to bed and by 5:00 was puking my guts out.  

Now I am in that limbo period where I am wondering if it is over or if it is just waiting to strike again.  

Husband went to get me something to drink and got food for himself  and youngest.  He is such a dear.  He even went on some coupon runs to use some very good coupons that matched some deals expiring tonight.  

So, I may not write much for a day or two, and deals might be put on hold... unless my husband was bitten by the coupon bug instead of the flu bug! 

Busy Week

Going back to school is rough.  I am tired. 

 It is almost 9:00, but I have an appointment with my treadmill, so I am cutting this post short.

This has been a tremendous week as far as bargains go.  I have probably purchased about $300.00 worth of stuff for about $50.00 out of pocket.  Other than the two pictured Walgreens trips, I have made about 3 other trips and about 3 to CVS.  I just keep reading about a deal online, finding the coupons for it and then I am off to repeat it.  I live VERY close to both stores so I can easily do that.  

I am enjoying myself.  Yesterday however, I did no deals.  I came home from school with a pretty serious migraine and was in bed by a little after 8:00.  

Well, I gotta go.  Treadmill is calling...

Such is my Life

These have been very busy days.  

I am so enjoying my break from school, but I am trying to cram a lot in this week. 

Today I cleaned out my freezer.  We have a very large upright freezer and it was a mess. Luckily we do not have to defrost it, but things had been put away in a sloppy fashion and I no longer really knew what type of inventory I had.  Youngest and I spread a blanket on the basement floor and then started pulling things out and separating them into piles.  When we finally put everything back in I was very pleased.  I did however find out that we have plenty of pork products and enough chicken for a while, but no BEEF.  My family loves beef and I have none.  So I guess I will look for deals on various cuts of beef for a while.   I have more convenience type foods than I usually have on hand, but because of some excellent coupons and deals I have stocked up on some of them.  I will probably share some of those things with my boys for their apartments.  

I also had a therapy appointment and my therapist was thrilled at my improvements during the last week.  Suddenly my uncooperative left arm has decided that it is okay to do what I want it to. I can finally move it up past 90 degrees.  Practically all the way up.  It is pretty sore tonight, but I can live with a bit of pain while it is getting used to moving again.  

This evening I have been busy getting things ready for oldest to take with him when he moves out on Friday.  He will be moving to another city and sharing an apartment with a friend.  It is so nice to have a stockpile that I can pull from to help him get started.  I filled 4 boxes in no time with things like food, toiletries, cleaning supplies, and room fresheners and will still fill a cooler from the freezer when we move him out.  

I also did a bit of bargain shopping today.  Walgreens has their Christmas things 75% off already and I stocked up on a few things for next year.  I also bought a few gifts to put back, and snagged some free Hershey Kisses (6 bags) due to the sale and my coupons.   I have found that it is possible to have free chocolate in my house at all times since I have been heavy into deals and coupons.  Dangerous, huh?   

Tomorrow I will try to check a few more things off of my "to do" list, but I plan on meeting two girls from my first girl group for lunch.   I can't wait for that. 

Melancholy Mood

Silly me.  I watched a sad movie today and spent half of the day blubbering.  First I blubbered about the movie, then of course, I blubbered about every thought that entered my head.   It really does not take much anymore to get the fountain started.  

I feel so incredibly blessed.  To think that next week is Christmas and that I am feeling so well health wise makes me want to blubber all the more.  Most of the time I hold it in.

I spend a lot of time lately wondering.  Not wondering why I had a heart attack and cancer.   Yet, wondering why I survived both of them with such a good prognosis.  Seems we mostly ask the big "why" questions when something terrible happens, and we don't think about asking "why" when things work out good for us.   However, I AM wondering why.    What amazing things does God have in store for me that He would go out of His way to spare me from not one, but two serious events?  Actually three if we count the breast cancer scare.  

This Christmas has taken on a whole new beautiful meaning.  Oh, don't get me wrong.  I have always appreciated and loved Christmas.  This year it is different though.  I look at our tree and want to cry, I open each card and say a prayer of thanks for the friends and family that mean so much to us.  I shop with a greater joy than ever before, and to be honest, I am looking forward to getting presents as well.  I want to soak in every second of this Christmas.  I feel a bit like Mary did on that first Christmas.  No, I cannot compare my experiences with that of Mary,  yet I have always loved the account in Luke Chapter 2.  I love verse 19 where it says that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart"    I am treasuring, and I am pondering.  Pondering how a little baby came to save us, to give us life abundant.  Pondering how I have been given a huge gift this year and how much I am loved. 

This next week will be busy.  Youngest will be home from school so both boys will be home for a while.   I will be cooking more, cleaning more, baking, wrapping, and waiting.  Waiting anxiously for Christmas morning with my family.  Waiting to savor the moment, to treasure, and to ponder. 

Another Medical Issue

Father in Law is in the hospital. Last night he went from fine to very sick in no time. Husband went there and the decision was made to take him to the hospital, only he was too weak to walk across the room so an ambulance was called. He seems to be doing better, but he has an infection of some sort which they still need to identify. I spent half the day with Mother in Law at the hospital. I am so thankful for sick days that allow me to do that. Thankfully I have some left after all the ones I have taken this year.

Medical Update

Some of you might already know this, but I thought I should post this for those of you that do not. The cancer I had has a specific blood test, much like a PSA for a man. A rise in my calcitonin level would be a red flag and an indication that something needs investigated. Pre-surgery my level was 1356, normal is 5 or less. After surgery the level dropped to 5 ! That was great news. A better, more reliable test is done at least 6 weeks post surgery. I had blood drawn on the 24th of November and last week my doctor called personally to tell me that the level was now "undetectable" ! She was very excited, but nearly as much as I was! This will be repeated for the rest of my life, probably every 4-6 months. I see her in less that 2 weeks and I will find out just how often she will want the test repeated.

Just thought you might be interested.

These Things I Know For Sure

I am writing this post on Thanksgiving Eve. it is late, 11:09 now and I know I will still be up for a while. A cheesecake is finishing its last 10 minutes in the oven and then it has to cool for one hour before going in the fridge for the night. It is a delicious recipe and oldest son wanted to make it with me, so I waited until later tonight when we could do it together. My "famous" broccoli and rice is put together for tomorrow and will bake after we arrive at husband's folks.

I have some time alone now to reflect and compose this post.

My thoughts are so deep right now. As I think back on these last 6 months, I KNOW I have much to be thankful for.

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving Day will be the 6 month anniversary of my heart attack. The event which began the chain of events that will shape the rest of my life.

These things I know for sure:

1. God is faithful.
I guess I have known that in my head for quite some time, I have read the Bible enough to see that fact repeated in scripture. I have heard others proclaim that time and again when they have gone through crisis. I guess though, that it was never made more real to me than it has been in the last 6 months. There were so many events, and not just in my own life, but in the family as a whole, that might cause some to doubt God. In each situation though, even ones that did not turn out how we would want, God proved that He is right there, every step of the way.

2. My Husband is incredible.
Most every marriage vow includes the phrase. "for better or worse". I just don't think that when you are standing at the altar that you really think that time will come. Might I just be real and say that even though God was and is faithful, I would have never chosen these last 6 months. I cannot think many people would choose a heart attack, followed by cancer, followed by an emergency surgery, followed by a breast biopsy. Worse came all at once for us and my husband was my biggest ally. He was my support, my nurse, my advocate, my encouragement and my love. I cannot thank him enough for loving me in such a way.
I remember one particular moment that will always be etched in my mind: We were at the local emergency room when my neck had suddenly swelled. I was so afraid, and I was not handling it very well, I was crying and scared. I feared what was going to happen as I was struggling to breathe. My husband was at the end of the bed and to calm myself I just had to stare into his eyes and lean on his courage for a moment. He stood there and returned my focus. He was keeping his eyes fixed on mine to give me the support I needed. They quickly gave me a medication which knocked me out, but I remember the love and encouragement in his eyes. Oh how I love this man.

3. Family means everything.
I am blessed to have two sons. They were there the day of my heart attack at my bedside. They were there the day of my cancer surgery. They have encouraged me along the way. They are a sweet motivation and a huge reason to "press on".

My sister has gone over and above the call of duty and made so many trips to the hospital and to my home to care for me, to visit me and to love me. She and I have been close for a very long time, but the way we feel about each other now is amazing. Since the day of my heart attack we do not end a single phone conversation without telling each other "I love you". It is that important because we now know how fragile life really is. When the time ever comes that God separates us we will have no regrets.

My brothers have made countless calls to check up on me and several of them were able to make trips to the hospital to see me. I am so blessed.

My husband's family means the world to me and have been there through it all with many phone calls, visits, and prayers. They traveled many miles to be with me and have shown so much love, even though each of them had been dealt some pretty serious things in their own lives and families.

Husband's parents have loved me as their own ever since I married into this family and these last 6 months were no exception.
These were hard months for them as well, but that never stopped them from showing concern for me.

4. Friends are icing on the cake.
We are such a blessed people. It is not enough that the God of the Universe loves us and calls us His own, not enough that He puts us in an amazing support system known as the family, but He sprinkles our lives with friends to top everything off. What can I possibly say to all of my friends to express my thanks? I never wanted for anything. Meals, housework, yard-work, errands, visits, you name it and it was provided. Many things were provided before I even expressed a need. The prayers and phone calls helped carry me through each day and the cards poured in. During the "heart attack" period I received 79 cards, during the "cancer" period I received well over 100. I have kept every one, they are such encouragement. I have had church friends, school friends, old friends, and very new friends all rally around and shower me with love.

5. This world is not my home.
I think the most important thing I know for sure is just that. This world is not really my home. I now know life is fragile, that life can turn on a dime and be completely different in just one heartbeat. As much as I love life and love my husband, family and friends, I know that we are all here for such a short time. The God of the Universe knows that as well and thankfully made a plan for all of us to live forever. The salvation that I have in my life is the one thing I am truly most thankful for. Yes, even more than everything else I have lived through in the last 6 months. That more important even than waking up this morning breathing, I have an assurance of eternal life.


As I finish typing I am noticing that now it is indeed the 27th, the 6th month anniversary mark. After all I have gone through in those 6 months, I may not really know much, but those things I know for sure. I truly do have much to be thankful for.