Something to hold on to...

"Today I am one day nearer home than ever before. One day nearer the dawning when the fog will lift, mysteries clear, and all question marks straighten up into exclamation points!
 I shall see the King!"     Vance Havner

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Numb

Suddenly the price of cereal, milk, or even a car really does not matter.
I am numb.

Today I was told that I do have cancer. That is such an ugly word. I think I will rename it. Anybody with a better name for it then please let me know.

I do not really even know where this post will take me as I am trying to process my thoughts as I type. I am sorry for rambling. I am not taking the time to collect thoughts before I post. You get what you get today.

Who would have thought that an "incidental" nodule on my thyroid would turn out to really be cancer? The nodule that would not have even detected if it were not for my heart attack and resulting tests. I had no cancer symptoms, which is a good thing. It is just I don't like the thought of it all.

The report says medullary thyroid cancer. There are 4 types of thyroid cancer and if you rank them 1-4 with #1 being the easiest to treat, or "best to have", mine is #3. What does all of this mean? I do not know. Next week I meet with a specialist and the week after that with a surgeon. We will go from there. School starts for me on the 18th of August. Not really sure why I even threw that in. I cannot worry about that right now.

Do I let my mind race to all of the what ifs? Silly question, it has already. I have Googled enough to be informed, and scared at the same time. Don't tell me to stay off the internet. That is probably like telling a fish to stay out of water. I want to know what all of this means. Even if I read the worse case scenarios, I will know the possibilities and can find out the particulars of my case as they come.

I told my doctor that we have a big God. I honestly believe that. He has proven Himself to me enough times to make me believe that. This new event in my life is not so I can know we have a big God. Maybe it is so everyone else can know it as well.

I am scared though, I will not pretend to be super strong and stoic. My deepest fears though are not for me. They are for my boys. I can't walk through this without fearing that my boys will learn how I did the pain involved with losing your mom when you are still young.

My blog will more than likely take on a new focus. I don't know. I imagine I will chronicle the events of all of this as they come. I imagine on some days I will still get excited about my latest bargains. Can I say, I hope I will still get excited? I can not let this thing suck the living out of me.

My doctor cried as my husband and I were getting ready to leave. You appreciate it when the doctor you have had for 20 years cares enough to feel what you are feeling and is not afraid to show he cares. He even stood and held me as I wept. That was about 5 hours ago. I am still numb, and somewhat still weeping. Husband was with me, and when I took him back to work, he held me. I did not want to let go. I wanted to stop time right there. Safe in the arms of my husband.

God must have planned a diversion for me though ahead of time. My plans today, which I did accomplish, were to make strawberry freezer jam. The strawberries had been crushed and waiting in the freezer for some time. The boys and I made 8 batches, for a total of 34 jars. Something to take your mind off of other things I guess. On another day, that would have been the focus of my post. Not today.

I read something today, actually early today when I had no clue the news would come on this day. I was searching the web, for bargains of all things and noticed that someone left a quote with their post. Now, I have heard this before, but isn't it funny how God reminds you of things just when you need them? It said, "The will of God will not take you where the grace of God does not live". Digest that for a while. I am.

If you can and remember, please pray for me and for my family. I know some people will hear of this and forget to pray, but the more people who know , then the more who will actually pray. I am counting on that.

6 comments:

Inkling said...

As we drove to Vancouver today to pick up our glider rocker I kept hearing God say, "Sara, do you trust Me?" And my answer was, "You know, God, trusting You is all I have left. There really isn't any other choice. So yeah, I trust You. As much as all of this sucks, it's nice to know that my gut reaction is to just give up and trust You after all."

So cancer, heart disease, aging, diabetes, lost jobs, other jobs in trouble, uncertain moving plans, and a baby on the way all get thrown in His basket. And I'm pretty sure He doesn't drop any eggs, if you know what I mean.

I love you. And of course, we are praying. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm thankful that I routinely wake up more than four times a night these days, and that it's hard for me to sleep, because that is when the praying gets done.

Ang said...

my prayers are with you..I don't know what to say but say I'm so sorry..

Queen Mother said...

I these words of Corrie Ten Boon written down.

"No pit is so deep the He is not deeper still.
With Jesus,
Even in our darkest moments
The best remains
And the very best is yet to be"

FarmWife said...

I have no great words of wisdom. Just an, "I love you."

Heather B said...

Anita,
I just came across your blog just last week. I wanted to tell you that it will all work out the way it's supposed to. My Sister has had 2 brain tumors removed before she turned 25. Just last February they said that her tumor has cancer cells surrounding it. So they began chemo and radiation. Then 2 months later on my Sister's birthday my Mother was diagnosed with Stage 3 Ductal Carcinoma Breast Cancer. My mom and sister have been amazingly upbeat about the whole ordeal, and I know it's because their faith in God. Mom didn't seem scared at all when she go the news. The rest of us were all terrifed! She showed amazing faith and resolve that it made us at peace with it too. My sister and her are still undergoing chemo and they are doing great! Just keep the faith and know that you are going through this because you can handle it. You are doing exactly what God needs you to be doing. You have the ability to touch so many lives, just by blogging. Keep up the good work and I will keep on reading!

Lisa said...

Hi anita,

Two of my cowrokers were diagnosed with Thryoid cancer within the last 3 years. They both have had their thyroid removed and once their thyroid meds were adjusted to meet their needs, they are both doing great.

They have had no ill effects, or complications.

Not that this will help you now, but I work for a group of radiologists as a sonographer,and they told both ladies that if you "had" to get cancer... thyroid cancer is the one to get. That may not have sounded like I wanted it to, but hopefully you will understand what I am trying to tell you.

You are never alone. God is with you.

Lisa