Something to hold on to...

"Today I am one day nearer home than ever before. One day nearer the dawning when the fog will lift, mysteries clear, and all question marks straighten up into exclamation points!
 I shall see the King!"     Vance Havner

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Not sure where this will take me...

I have been, as I said wrestling with God on a few issues lately.  I just have not felt like I could sit down and put it all into words.  Here goes.  

Warning--this post will not be an upbeat, "look what I bought" kind of post, so continue reading at your own risk.  

Issue #1 :
There is a little girl at our church that is in the midst of a terrible battle with cancer.  She is not even two years old and has endured more than most of us will ever see in a lifetime.  What began as a rare liver cancer has progressed to her lungs and she is fighting for her life.  Her mom keeps a blog  which truly humbles me as I read her updates.  My mind and my knowledge of God tells me that I should not think this way, but my heart hurts and wonders why this little girl is so gravely ill.  More precisely, why was I blessed so much in the last year?  Why did I survive both a heart attack and a rare and serious form of thyroid cancer in a 4 month span?  Why did I dodge the breast cancer scare just a month after that?  I KNOW I should not question these things, but to be completely honest, there is some survivor's guilt going on here.  Why did I get along so well, and this precious little girl is struggling so?  I keep going back to the scripture which tells me that His ways are not my ways. 
 I am not even sure what my ways would be in this situation, and  I guess this is where trust comes in.   I do know that God is in control and that all the days of our lives are numbered,  but until those question marks straighten up I will still wonder. (see the quote at the top of my blog- -something to hold on to- -) 
If you have a special scripture to share with me here, feel free, just be sensitive to the fact that I already know that I  should not feel this way.  My heart just hurts for her and her family, and those feelings lead me to this thinking .  

Issue #2

I am going to be really honest here and tell you that I have struggled with this for some time. 

 I will set this one up this way:

Imagine you are the parent of a quite independent child.  That child rarely calls, rarely visits, and  does not come to you for much advice, because they prefer to handle things on their own. They live each day, pretty much without your help.   Now, at the same time, there is no doubt in your mind, or theirs for that matter, that they truly love you.  There is no rebellion here, just an independence that prevents them from communicating much.  When a serious issue occurs though , they will call and visit more frequently.  

This is where I came in.  I have become that independent child and I hate it. 

 I am speaking spiritually here, and if you know me well, then you know that my earthly parents have been gone a very long time.   My relationship with God however, is not at all where I want it to be. 

When I was dealing with my previous health issues I was so very dependent on God.  There was nothing I could "fix" on my own and I cried out to him moment by moment.  The song,  "I Need Thee Every Hour"  became a life song for my husband and I .  I looked for wisdom from God everywhere.  I listened and I truly felt He spoke to me.  I picked up wisdom in songs, conversations with friends and family, scriptures, and little things throughout each day.  I hungered for Him.  I needed Him to fill my days and my nights. Especially my nights.  I was taught so many lessons about waiting, trusting, and knowing that things would be okay.  One way or another, things would be okay. 

Where did that longing go?  Now, before I have the nay-sayers telling me that God is just a crutch,  I do not believe that for a minute.  I know that it is because of my everyday relationship with God that led me to cling to Him tighter during my storms.  But, truth be told, I want that deep hunger again.  

I do not want cancer again,  but I want the dependency of God once more.  Part of me tells me that the fact that I am wrestling with this is stirring up those longings once again anyway.  I just want to get back to that feeling where I lived as if  God was truly everything.  

I was asked last week if I wanted cancer again, to which I said no.  Then I was asked if I wish it never happened.  That was not so easy to answer, because of what I just revealed.  I learned so much about God during that time, was blessed so greatly by God, by friends, and by my family.  It would be sad to have not experienced those blessings in a lifetime. 

I am not sure I will have a quick resolve to either of these issues.  I am just the type of person that until I write about them, they stay all bottled up and will fester all the more.   I covet your prayers though as I do work through these. 


Anonymous said...

I do read here, all that you post, and sometimes I just can't find the words to put into comments.

But I'd like to share something that someone shared with me during a similiar struggle.

What if it was God's plan for that child to be here for a short term? What if she is only supposed to be here short term for all of us to learn from her what she has taught us. She's almost two you say, and her mother has learned so many lessons from her in her short lifespan. What if she was just here to teach her mother or dr those lessons and move on?

What if it was God's plan that you are needed here for whatever reason(s)he and you had set on the other side of the veil. You're healing in all those poison's that were placed before you are true miracles. I am grateful for you to survive them. For I see you are still one of God's teachers and are still here because you have lessons to be given..Will your girls need you in the future? I am sure they will. Will your boys need you? I'm sure they will. Would they get the lessons from anyone else? Maybe, but maybe not as effectively from anyone else as you could give.

I'm not trying to by any means deminish the value of this child's life.

But just say that I know and believe it's all part of God's plan. I may not like it, I may not understand it..But I know in the end it will be explained to us and make so much more sense than now..It has too..

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Manda said...

I.... totally, in a weird way, know how you feel. I had congestive heart failure at the age of 19 after having our daughter, chloe, and became so much closer to God through the whole ordeal...and this little boy tanner at church was struggling with cancer... then my thyroid got enlarged and i got asthma and anxiety attacks and the lord kept bringing someone into my path and showing me, look, you have it so well. your daughter LIVED with GREAT HEALTH and you are alive to care for her and that is great! keep your head up! in James though it does say to look out for the widows and orphans-to show compassion- and it is great that you have compassion for this kiddo.

When i was recovering from congestive heart failure, this passage really got me-
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

that is for you AND that little girl. your present sufferings AREN't WORTH COMPARING!!! it will be so great!!!

so this is a lot comign from a first time reader of your blog... i can't even remember now how i came across it... i think i was reading another person's blog and you had commented on it.... but anyhow i hope this helps and will be watching your blog now and hope this helps :)