Sunday, March 8, 2009
Not sure where this will take me...
I have been, as I said wrestling with God on a few issues lately. I just have not felt like I could sit down and put it all into words. Here goes.
Warning--this post will not be an upbeat, "look what I bought" kind of post, so continue reading at your own risk.
Issue #1 :
There is a little girl at our church that is in the midst of a terrible battle with cancer. She is not even two years old and has endured more than most of us will ever see in a lifetime. What began as a rare liver cancer has progressed to her lungs and she is fighting for her life. Her mom keeps a blog which truly humbles me as I read her updates. My mind and my knowledge of God tells me that I should not think this way, but my heart hurts and wonders why this little girl is so gravely ill. More precisely, why was I blessed so much in the last year? Why did I survive both a heart attack and a rare and serious form of thyroid cancer in a 4 month span? Why did I dodge the breast cancer scare just a month after that? I KNOW I should not question these things, but to be completely honest, there is some survivor's guilt going on here. Why did I get along so well, and this precious little girl is struggling so? I keep going back to the scripture which tells me that His ways are not my ways.
I am not even sure what my ways would be in this situation, and I guess this is where trust comes in. I do know that God is in control and that all the days of our lives are numbered, but until those question marks straighten up I will still wonder. (see the quote at the top of my blog- -something to hold on to- -)
If you have a special scripture to share with me here, feel free, just be sensitive to the fact that I already know that I should not feel this way. My heart just hurts for her and her family, and those feelings lead me to this thinking .
I am going to be really honest here and tell you that I have struggled with this for some time.
I will set this one up this way:
Imagine you are the parent of a quite independent child. That child rarely calls, rarely visits, and does not come to you for much advice, because they prefer to handle things on their own. They live each day, pretty much without your help. Now, at the same time, there is no doubt in your mind, or theirs for that matter, that they truly love you. There is no rebellion here, just an independence that prevents them from communicating much. When a serious issue occurs though , they will call and visit more frequently.
This is where I came in. I have become that independent child and I hate it.
I am speaking spiritually here, and if you know me well, then you know that my earthly parents have been gone a very long time. My relationship with God however, is not at all where I want it to be.
When I was dealing with my previous health issues I was so very dependent on God. There was nothing I could "fix" on my own and I cried out to him moment by moment. The song, "I Need Thee Every Hour" became a life song for my husband and I . I looked for wisdom from God everywhere. I listened and I truly felt He spoke to me. I picked up wisdom in songs, conversations with friends and family, scriptures, and little things throughout each day. I hungered for Him. I needed Him to fill my days and my nights. Especially my nights. I was taught so many lessons about waiting, trusting, and knowing that things would be okay. One way or another, things would be okay.
Where did that longing go? Now, before I have the nay-sayers telling me that God is just a crutch, I do not believe that for a minute. I know that it is because of my everyday relationship with God that led me to cling to Him tighter during my storms. But, truth be told, I want that deep hunger again.
I do not want cancer again, but I want the dependency of God once more. Part of me tells me that the fact that I am wrestling with this is stirring up those longings once again anyway. I just want to get back to that feeling where I lived as if God was truly everything.
I was asked last week if I wanted cancer again, to which I said no. Then I was asked if I wish it never happened. That was not so easy to answer, because of what I just revealed. I learned so much about God during that time, was blessed so greatly by God, by friends, and by my family. It would be sad to have not experienced those blessings in a lifetime.
I am not sure I will have a quick resolve to either of these issues. I am just the type of person that until I write about them, they stay all bottled up and will fester all the more. I covet your prayers though as I do work through these.