A new A - Z

I find it interesting that my last posts were my A-Z stories.

Tonight I am thinking of A-Z in a whole new way. Take the logo for Amazon for instance, there is an arrow which forms a smile from the letters a and z, meaning they happily provide everything you would possibly need, from a-z.  However, what I am really thinking of tonight is another a-z,  quite actually the Greek alphabet's version of such.  Alpha - Omega.  The beginning and the end.  Ironically, in some odd way my two examples of A-Z have merged recently in my life.

A couple of weeks ago, I found on Amazon a free digital book for my Kindle. It is a new release, written by Joni Eareckson Tada.  It is a book about healing.  I found this book on the very day I was having an ultrasound which would prove to show something unwanted growing in my body.  A few days later, also on Amazon, I run across another free book, this one by Ravi Zacharias, detailing how God has woven the details of our lives. 

Now some would say it is merely coincidence that I would run across both of these books at this time in my life, but I choose to believe that God had a hand in this.  God is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.  As I walk through a new medical trial in my life I know that this is where my strength will come.  

Both books have taught me much in such a short time , and yes, I am reading them at the same time.  Joni's book (first name basis?) has taught me that while I may seek physical healing for this thing hidden in my body, I should at the same time be seeking spiritual healing for the things I choose to keep hidden. As you pray for me, pray for my complacency, my negativity, my selfishness and so much more that needs refined.   Mr. Zacharias is teaching me that I should not fear these days of my life, because they have already been woven by God in His wisdom.  

Amazon has marketed well their ability to provide all we think we need, but in all reality, they can not.  All I need is provided by my faith and my relationship with my God. My Alpha and Omega. 

X is for reX

X is for reX


I know that  had to stretch myself a bit to come up with this letter, and I would prefer to post nothing before I am prepared.  Finally I am prepared. It will take a bit of introduction to get to my point, but bear with me.
     Currently Steve and I are at an Indianapolis hospital, caring for his mom who had surgery.  I took over her care when Steve's brother, sister-in-law, and then his sister had to leave.  I have been here for 5 days and 4 nights.   
     Hospitals are both wonderful and awful places.  Mom's care has been superb, and we have no complaints in that department. However, a 5 star hotel for family members, it is not.  I have made the best of the situation though, and the nursing staff  has been wonderful in meeting many of my own needs.  
     After about day 3 though, exhaustion sets in (could have taken a "x" from that word as well).  My mind was less clear, my body weary, and my emotions running wild.  I have such a new appreciation and understanding for the young parents that have to endure this; sometimes for months.
     Yesterday was particularly rough.  Mom experienced some post surgical side effects that I, by myself, and running on empty was not able to handle. I was breaking down, I knew it, and I also knew I needed help if I were to be any good for Mom.  Thankfully, Steve arrived at about 8:30 local time.  We went for a quick bite to eat, then returned to the hospital.  Since I was not thinking clearly, I decided against getting a hotel room at that moment because I thought as late as it was, we would save money by tag teaming in recliners or the cot in Mom's room.    Steve took the cot, and I went off to search for a recliner.  Thing is, I was just too tired to relax in that recliner.  After returning to the room a few times, and emotionally breaking down when a security guard asked if I was okay, I finally decided after midnight that the price of a hotel would be the best present I could give myself.  I was driven to the hotel by another hospital security guard, and I checked in.


Ahhh, the power of a shower and un-interupped sleep.  


Now, finally, we come to the letter X, almost.


     The hotel where I stayed provides a service for folks such as me.  We are able , without pay, to reserve a regular room to take a nap or shower. They give you 1 1/2 hours, then you simply turn in the key and return to the hospital.  I took advantage of this on Monday and it was such a blessing.  I was so impressed with this service, and so grateful that I wanted to pay somebody something.  The hotel will not accept it, yet this thought remained in my mind.
     As I left my room this morning, I passed a woman, who had obviously been recently injured (arm in cast, limping, multiple bruises). I then requested a shuttle back to the hospital, as did she.  We were told that the shuttle was running very late so I called Steve and asked him to drive over to get me.  I also asked if he could drive someone else back too.
     In the little time we were waiting for Steve, I learned quite a lot about Melanie and REX.  They are married, and drive their own big rig for a living. Melanie was at the wheel on interstate 74 when Rex decided to take over.  As he got up to move to the cab from the sleeper, he stumbled,. Melanie took 1 hand off the wheel to try to help him, and Rex without thinking, grabbed for the side of the wheel for something to hold on to.  This split second decision caused their lives to be turned upside down.  Melanie lost control, laid  the rig down on it's right side and then lost consciousness.  When she came to she realized that Rex had been thrown from the truck and was in the median with paramedics. Alive, yet much more serious than she, they both were flown to this hospital.  Melanie  has had surgery, and while still healing from injuries, she will be okay. The road to recovery will be longer for Rex, as he is still in ICU.  Melanie and Rex are from Ohio, they were headed with a load of furniture to California, where in fact, all of their kids live.  They now find themselves in a strange city, and in circumstances they never imagined.
     I listened to Melanie, and was actually drawn into her story,  feeling as if I was truly invited into their lives. She needed to tell her story, and quite honestly, I needed to hear it.  It is easy, in the midst of your own trials, and fatigue to forget others, and to become so self focused.  
     At that moment, I felt a nudging, which many times is overlooked.  This time though, I could not deny it.  I reached into my purse, and pulled out some money, not much, yet just enough to at least buy a couple of meals. She resisted at first, but I explained about my free shower earlier in the week and how God told me to find someone to "pay it forward", I then told her, she was the one. 
     Finally Steve pulled up, and we dropped Melanie off at the door before finding our parking space.  As we walked back up to the entrance I realized that this is a big hospital, with many rooms, and every one has a Rex or a Melanie. In every room someone's life has been turned upside down.  I then asked God to place His mighty Hands over this place and bring comfort into these lives.
     I wonder though, how many times I have ignored a Rex or a Melanie.  We ask someone how they are. They say fine.  We know they are not really, but we leave it at that.  I think that in reality, our lives would be so much more in perspective if we took these moments to invest in the lives of others.  
     I am reminded of this scripture:
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31
I have read before (sorry I cannot remember who said it) that just perhaps the word "wait" in this passage is not what we think, that maybe instead of being thought of as passive, such as sitting back and being patient, and waiting on God to do something, that maybe it is a very active verb.  Perhaps it is waiting on God such as a waitress waits on us.  That when we are actively serving God, then He will re-new our strength.  And, perhaps, this was realized in my life today.  Only after I stepped outside of myself, and found someone to minister to in God's name, have I been renewed.
    I am glad I waited to write about the letter X until it involved a lesson from God.
  
     We we see both how long it takes for Y and Z, and what God has in mind for them.

W is for Why?

W is for Why?

It has been a long time since I posted, I thought I would zip straight through the alphabet. Who would think I would get hung up on the letter “W”? There are so many good W words.

Wait

Worry

Want

Walter

And, many more I could have chosen.

Nothing motivated me, nothing struck a chord. Today, on a day when I have so many emotions fighting for exposure, it hits me.

WHY

Such a small word.

I remember when our oldest was just a little boy. He was consumed with this word. He was not content with simple answers, but wanted to know the “why” in every circumstance. His “whys” varied from: why he didn’t get his way in a particular instance, to the more complex “whys”. Why does the light switch actually turn on a light? Why does thunder roar? Why does the water come out of the kitchen sink. His “whys” were soon muddled with “hows”, and he became full of wonder. After my futile attempts to answer such questions, and after a day when all I did was repeatedly answer, I came up with a solution to appease both of us. When I could no longer satisfy him, I would just tell him that I did not know, and that we would have to ask Uncle Jim. This was a stroke of brilliance on my part. Jake would patiently wait until the next time my brother stopped by, and then bombard him with his saved up questions. I remember clearly the day that Jim sat at our dining room table and drew out a diagram, complete with circuits and breakers, to explain that there is a lot going on inside the walls behind the light switch. He convinced Jake that turning on a light really isn’t magic.

It is odd, that as grown ups, our “whys” are not so easily answered.

Today, I am struggling with a “why” that Uncle Jim cannot solve.

On this day, another little boy, one that I am sure was full of “whys” and full of wonder, has gone to live with Jesus. He lost his battle with a serious illness and after just 5 years on this earth, and has left a terrible void in the lives of those who love him.

I did not know this boy. I knew his father and his father’s family, I knew some of his mother’s family, and I had met his mother. Not knowing him has not made this any easier to understand. I have still asked why.

If you have followed my blog, you know that I am a Christian. You know that I do not blame God for things that I have endued. You know that I continue to love and trust Him. But, does that always mean I understand Him?

No.

There are many scriptures that bring comfort, but not complete understanding. Yet, I realize that we only hold a small piece of the puzzle, and must wait to see the complete picture.

It is not my brother that I wait for to explain the answers, yet a loving Father. One who knit this little boy in his mother’s womb, one that knew everything about him. A loving Father who has numbered our hairs, and our days.
I may not know the answer to this “why” while I live on this earth, but I am patiently waiting for my visit with my Father, when I will sit with Him and ask Him all of my saved up questions.

At the top of my blog is a quote. It has hung out there for a long time. I am drawn to it often:

"Today I am one day nearer home than ever before. One day nearer the dawning when the fog will lift, mysteries clear, and all question marks straighten up into exclamation points! I shall see the King!" (Vance Havner)

My “whys” will be answered.

V is for Vodou (Voodoo)

is for Vodou (Haitian name for voodoo)

Now, the first thing I want to say is that I do not practice or have any belief in voodoo, but it does bring up a strong memory. I feel that by including this in my blog, it will be a reminder to me of Haiti's greatest need.

In 1993, after watching the slides from missionaries that were based in Haiti, I had a strong urge to go there. I honestly felt such a calling, if you will, to leave my family and be part of a team from our church that was going on a 2 week trip to assist the mission already based there. I told my husband that it was not that I really wanted to leave, but that I wanted to go. I have rarely felt so strongly that I was supposed to do something as I did then. It was in July, and I traveled with the second group from our church. Most had left a few days before, but due to some prior commitments, 4 of us traveled later.

Here I was, arriving in Haiti, when I had barely traveled anywhere else. This would be my first real plane ride, and many other firsts. I must admit that the first day there, I wondered what I was getting myself into. I developed a serious migraine on that first day, and wondered if I could make it.

As the days went on I knew I was supposed to be there, yet I still was realizing that our cultures are so very different. Everything was different, the poverty, the lack of communication abilities, the landscape, and the religion.

One night in particular, while we were trying to sleep (we slept on the roof of the mission on cots due to the heat) we could hear voodoo drums in the distance. That was definitely a strange experience for me, and to be honest , I felt evil around me. I prayed very hard that night, Although I knew that my God is greater than any evil around me, I needed to speak His name over and over for my own peace. I also prayed for the people of Haiti. We think sometimes that their biggest problem is their poverty, and that groups go there just to meet physical needs. We see and hear often of humanitarian groups that provide food, and medical help. Yes, these are real needs, and the poverty was overwhelming. But their greatest need is for the Lord God to rescue them from the evil that is all around them.

It has been many years since I returned from that trip, and to be honest, I do not think of these people as often as I should. There have been quite a few people that I know that have gone on similar trips since then, and each time it causes me to remember Haiti. I hope that somehow the focus of this post will also help me, and perhaps for those of you who read it will remember the Haitian people as well.

U is for Ugly

is for Ugly.

Now, I must admit that the letter U had me stumped for a very long time. Well over a month. I did not want to go with umbrella, or unicorn, or anything starting with "un". I had to wait until something inspired me. With the current heat wave I am not getting inspired by much, so the challenge was great.

Today it hit me:
Ugly.

Not the word you would expect me to devote a post to. This blog is about the "Silver Lining", and the whole concept of that is supposed to be positive. Is there anything positive in such a word as ugly?

I think so.

The first thing I think of is the old adage, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Well, isn't the same true with ugly? Be it dogs, decor, or even people, we all have different ideas about which one is pretty or ugly.

I have a scar.

It is quite large, and in reality is shaped much like the letter U. By the world's standards it is undesirable, unattractive, and ugly (three Us). But think about this. That one scar on my body is a reminder of the grace of God, a reminder of surviving what I later learned was a cancer that was very much not in my favor, and very much a smile from God. (You can read about 'A smile from God" here)

During our summer youth conference we sometimes have a small group ice breaker called "show me your scar". It is amazing that people young and old really like the opportunity to tell the story about their physical scars. You will hear stories about bicycle accidents, sports injuries, and surgeries. There is something about talking openly about what people are taught never to discuss or question. It is rather "freeing". It seems to turn what one would think of as being ugly into a story. I just happen to have a visible scar close enough to my face that makes it seem a taboo subject to talk about.

I will admit that in the weeks following surgery, I was quite concerned about the appearance of this scar, and even blogged about my thoughts regarding it. You can read those initial thoughts here. But as time has passed and admit-tingly, as the scar and my opinion of it have improved, I realize that is is quite beautiful in many ways.

I do not think of it as ugly anymore. Truth be told, sometimes I forget I have it, and sometimes it takes me noticing that someone else, a stranger, is fixated on it before I stop to think about it.

I have taken this to heart. When I see a scar on someone else, especially if it is large, or facial, or what some would call dis-figuring, I try to remember that there is a story behind it. That perhaps that scar has saved their life, that perhaps that scar is a reminder of a serious event that has changed them, but I will never think it as being ugly.

If ugly is also in the eye of the beholder. Let's behold beauty instead.

Oh How I Love Jesus...

There are many reasons why, but let me explain where I am coming from.

Today during church I was having quite a dialogue with God. I was discussing the current state of affairs with husband's folks. I was asking Him for wisdom for this entire family, and asking Him for peace. I then discussed the fact with God that I never had to deal with these issues since my folks have been gone for so long.

Then my mind went back to my parents...

God heard my questions, my concerns and then my sadness as I reminded God (as if He did not know) that tomorrow marks the date when we buried my mother 33 years ago. I started dripping tears as I sat and listened to God for a while.

Then, very softly, a song is played over the sound system.

I can clearly remember my mother singing two songs, the rest have faded from my memory.

Today I heard one of them.

The song playing was "Oh How I Love Jesus" . The other song I remember her singing was "He's The Lily of the Valley". This was such a perfect timed gift from God. I was still dripping tears, but suddenly a sweet peace came over me that just reminded me to keep my focus on Jesus.

Thank you God for the gift of memory, and for a mother who planted that song in my mind at a very early age.

Text: Frederick Whitfield
Music: 19th cent. USA melody

There is a name I love to hear, 
 I love to sing its worth; 
 it sounds like music in my ear, 
 the sweetest name on earth.  
                Refrain:
 O how I love Jesus, 
 O how I love Jesus, 
 O how I love Jesus, 
 because he first loved me!

 It tells me of a Savior's love, 
 who died to set me free; 
 it tells me of his precious blood, 
 the sinner's perfect plea.
 (Refrain)

 It tells of one whose loving heart 
 can feel my deepest woe; 
 who in each sorrow bears a part 
 that none can bear below.

Strawberry Jam and the Sweetness of God

It is funny how some things get etched in your brain. Things, that to most are insignificant, like making jam. Today I am home from school due to our 2nd snow day this week, because of the massive mid-west snowstorm. As far as large amounts of snow, our town was spared. We instead, were hammered with little ice pellets for about 30 hours straight. It could have been much worse.

I decided to use these days playing catch up, and I decided to get some things done around the house. In my freezer there was a tub of crushed strawberries that I had purchased last summer at a great price. Things were very busy last summer with moving husband's parents, so I decided just to crush the berries and freeze them for a better time to make jam.

Last night, as soon as I learned school would be canceled for today, I pulled the tub from the freezer. As soon as I pulled out the tub my mind went back to another day. Jake and I did this same thing two and a half years ago. He was living at home, it was in the summer and he had the day off work. We had a tub of berries in the freezer then, pulled it out and started the process. About half way through I received a phone call.

That was the day I learned I had cancer. You can go here to read about that day.

So much is different about today. I am living on the other side of that awful news. Now I can rejoice in simple things, like making jam. Now I can remember the way God led me through a very dark time and how he taught me to trust him.

I suppose I will always think of strawberry jam in a special way, instead of tasting the sweetness of just the berries, I will taste the sweetness of God's promises. God is good. Even in those days of uncertainty about my health, I knew that God loved me and was in control. I hope I conveyed it then. I hope I convey it now.

Lord fill me with your Spirit today

A week ago when things were crazy with husband's folks we were not able to attend what most would call Sunday School. Actually it is much more than that. It is a time when about 85 high school students from our church meet for an hour of fellowship, fun and a lesson by our student minister. Adults are scattered around the room serving as hosts / mentors for a group of students that consistently sit at the same table. I have a group of 7 girls that have been with me for over a year.

Wouldn't you know it,that on the Sunday we miss, something amazing started ? Our student minister was in the middle of a fantastic series on being a practical atheist (one who professes to be a Christian, yet really does not live like it). He then issued a challenge to everyone in the room to take the book of Ephesians seriously when it says to be filled with the Spirit. He posed the question of what could happen if that was our prayer everyday. Now, he even went a step further and asked, what if everyone took that prayer public.

All of a sudden they are, it is amazing. Each day on Facebook for the last week, I saw simple posts from students and leaders, all with the same status: Lord, fill me with your spirit today.

This is incredible. I wondered all week just what was going on. I mean, we have a neat youth group, but it is not like that many of our students to suddenly go this bold with their faith. It took me until yesterday to learn of the challenge and to hear stories of how God is using them in areas they never expected, and how both sponsors and students are seeing a fresh new faith and attitude.

This should be a challenge for us all. We get so complacent in our faith and really just end up reacting to things, when in reality we should be the ones leading the way.

Our student minister put it best, and it has been my prayer today:

If I am not dead, then I am not done. Lord fill me with your spirit today.

The week that wasn't

There is a lot I should write about, so much has happened in the last month, in the last week really. I am just having trouble collecting thoughts lately. Sometimes I want to keep the blog about my bargains and deals, other days I don't want to write about those at all. Most days I am stuck in between, just deciding if I am going to write at all.

This past week has been difficult to say the least. One week ago today just after getting out of bed, our phone rang and husband's mom needed taken to the hospital due to dizziness. Husband was leaving for work, so I hurried and went to assist. It was obvious in a few minutes that I could not physically do this, so an ambulance was called. Now, it seems that our family has our own personal paramedic. A young man from our church, whom I just happened to babysit for when he was a toddler, has been there for me twice, and now was at the apartment to take mom. That was comforting. Mom was admitted , so husband and I spent the next few days and nights apart, I was caring mostly for mom, and husband stayed with his dad.

On Monday, everything changed. Just as mom was getting a bit better, Dad fell, broke his ankle, and was quite dehydrated. Just as Mom was getting ready to be discharged, Dad was admitted. That night husband and I switched and I stayed all night at the apartment. Mom continued to improve, slowly at first, but it was evident that Dad's ankle would take a while to heal. Husband's sister came into town and by Wednesday we thought we had things figured out.

Wednesday night, I was struck by a stomach flu bug and became ill. Can I just say never would be a nice time frame for ever throwing up again.? I think that after 50+ years old, one should never have to do that again. This took me until yesterday afternoon to start to feel myself, and even today I felt a bit sluggish.

The way it stands now, husband's dad is in a rehab area of a nursing home for about 2 weeks to learn how to walk and adjust while the ankle heals.

See why it has been difficult?

Christmas 2010

Everyone says, "Have a good Christmas", yet I wonder sometimes how do we really determine that? I know some would determine it by the number or expense of the gifts that you give or receive, others by whether you get to see your family or not, and some by the dinners you prepare or attend.

Today I have tried to take a cue from Mary (yes, THAT Mary) and have taken some time to ponder these things in my heart. ( I love that portion of scripture by the way, it is found in Luke, chapter 2) This was a different year for me. Perhaps it is age, or wisdom, or just contentment, but I had a very hard time putting things that I wanted on a list to give to my husband and sons. There were no big gifts that I wanted, and really, the small things were not huge desires. I love the simple gifts that I received, but I would not rate this Christmas at all by the gifts I gave or received.

Family is always important to me, and yes this year was pivotal in the family category. This was the first Christmas that my husband's side did not have a "home" to go home to. His mom and dad are settled in their new independent living apartment, and while they are doing well, it is not the home where everyone was used to having Christmas Dinner . For that reason, we decided to host the dinner for husband's parents, siblings, spouses, our own boys, and one nephew and his wife. There were 12 of us, and actually that is a crowd in our house. We pulled out the Christmas dishes that Mom had owned, used her glassware, her silverware, tablecloth, and numerous other items to put on a feast, that hopefully followed some of the family traditions.

It was wonderful.

Yes, I worked hard, partly due to the fact that everyone was traveling and it would be difficult for them to prepare much, but mostly because I wanted to. Now, the fact that we were able to share Christmas with them was indeed wonderful, and the dinner was adequate, I still cannot say that those reasons made it a "good" Christmas. For each family member I got to see, there are many more that I missed seeing. So that cannot be the reason.

It is so much more.

For me, it has to come down to my faith. Christmas IS what it is all about. I know that without this moment in history that HIS story would not be revealed. I know that the beginning of Christmas as we in America know it has pagan roots, that the true event probably did not occur on December the 25th, yet those facts do not change the real story of what happened over 2000 years ago. This year I have been blessed to have the real meaning sink in all over again. The God of the Universe came down as the greatest gift of all. It was a "good" Christmas, personally, because I feel I "get" it.

Truth be told, it really has nothing to do with gifts, dinners, or even your family. It is all about HIM, and I have to say that is very good.

And life goes on...

Remember the Bee Gees song, "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?"

Right now I am thinking that if you replace the word heart with the word home, that is what this family is feeling. The family homestead is breaking. Not by the means by which one might think, but just breaking up, piece by piece. Husband's folks are moving to an assisted living apartment, and this week the task falls on the children to divide, distribute, and pack a lifetime of possessions. The task is physically exhausting, and emotionally devastating. How do you go about doing that right in front of parent's eyes and remain undisturbed? The memories attached to even the simplest object are real and precious.

I emphasize, these are not my birth parents. I lost mine to illnesses long ago. We split up their possessions as well, just not in front of their eyes. These are my parents now. They have been in my life longer than my own were, so I feel that I am not just a daughter-in-law, but I am an adopted daughter.

I have for the most part remained focused, and set to the task of just "doing this". I am a "Daughter-in-Law" I could do this, I could be unemotional and be the one to take care of business. The "real" family will be sad, but I would be fine. Who was I kidding? This morning, I am crying like a baby, and grieving over the smallest object. Each day I feel like I am toting part of their life home with me in the back of my car. Granted, if you inspected the contents a lot of these items are of little material worth. Paper plate holders, a blender (void of all the current bells and whistles), a wicker basket, on old wooden stool. Thing is, these are THEIR paper plate holders, their blender, their basket, their stool. Today I want so much to take it all back, put it back where it goes and forget the plan.

I know the reasons are valid for them to move. I even encouraged it. I just had no idea this would hit ME like this. I did not grow up in this family. Many of their memories are just interesting stories to me. I cannot hang my heart on most of these items. However, I LOVE these people. They became a real part of my family when I lost my own parents. Their memories are precious to me, even if I do not share all of them.

We will plow through, even today, with sorting and packing. We will pick up an object, and pause to learn the story behind. If there is no story, we might even resort to comic relief and make one up. Like the little mottled yellow pitcher that belonged to Aunt Irma. Thing is, there is no Aunt Irma.

Too bad really, if there was, I would let her do this task.

I am certain though, that throughout this day, I will look at every object in a very special way. And there will be tears.

I was just thinking...

Lately I have been in my deep thinking mood.  Not really wanting this blog to be all about bargains and shopping, but rather more about who I really am. Now, I admit that bargain hunting is in my blood, but is that all I really want to be known for ?  I hope not.

So for those of you who stop by here occasionally, you just might see more of the posts that I used to compose. 

Fair warning.

Tonight, especially, I have been thinking about a card that I found today in my mailbox. I get similar ones quite often.  These are all from the same sender, The "Thursday Morning Morning Bible Study".  This is a group of ladies from my church that meet regularly for a Bible study and for prayer.  They pray for me of all people.  I have posted a copy of this card because it has touched me so.  Now the reason I am posting it has nothing to do with the part about my witness, however it is the first line that has me humbled.  

"We are always praying for you" 

Aren't those words powerful? 

Think of this:  This May it will be 2 years since my heart attack.  In September it will be 2 years since I was surgically cured of cancer.  Two years, no problems to speak of, and no set backs. Easy sailing. 

Yet, this group of women still pray for me, and they still send me cards. One might say that they could stop now, that there is no need to devote this time and effort for me any longer.

Ah, but might I say that maybe, just maybe that this group of persistent prayer warriors is part of the reason that I am cancer free and that my heart has not skipped a single beat?  

Sometimes we are not able to see the methods that God uses to work things out in our lives.  Sometimes, however,  the signs are there and we miss them.  I thank God that He reminded me to be thankful for this group of ladies tonight.  

I guess we all need to thank those people in our lives that keep us encouraged and keep us going.  Or perhaps the lesson to be learned here, is that we need to be the people who keep others going.  Something to think about. 

Life sure  is sweet in the Body of Christ. 

We are born, we live, we die. Right?

That is how it is supposed to be, right?  Anything not in that order is just wrong. 

 I am having a hard time knowing why a precious baby girl, Mary Genevieve,  had to have this "natural" order  turned around.  Our great niece died while still in the womb.  She did not have the opportunity to be truly born until she opened her eyes in Jesus' arms, instead of her mother's.  Her living will be eternal, but not on this earth. 

Our nephew and niece had to say their goodbyes before any hellos and their grief is tremendous.  All day I have been reminded of the scripture in Isaiah that says "My ways are not your ways".  But being reminded of that is giving little comfort here.  This is too big for me to ever wrap my head around.  My husband and I suffered the miscarriage of our first child after just 8 weeks.  Our attachment and anticipation were already great, and that loss hit us hard.  To lose a child after carrying it for a full 9 months,  when you had  all of your thoughts focused on meeting your son or daughter for the first time is beyond grief.  Is there a word in the dictionary to describe this pain?  

I love God with all my heart and yes I trust Him,  but do I understand this?  Never.   About 30 years ago I saw someone in my own family go through this same horrible grief.  I did not understand it then, and yes, I questioned God on that one.  I realize now that there are no answers.  Just questions.  

Please, for those of you who pray, I am asking for prayers so strong that they are physically felt. This family needs to feel love in a mighty way.   If you knew this couple you would know how devastating this loss will be. They adore their children. They do things right. They realize that children are such a gift and they cherish theirs.   

Quite honestly, our entire family needs to see healing. We are hurting. 

For Tom and Lois:

I have heard the old quote :  "Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts."

I must say I am feeling those footprints right about now.  Today I have thought a lot about some very special people in our lives.  

 I need to share tonight about friends who will be moving far far away very soon.  Tom and  Lois came into our lives about 12 years ago.  That is my best estimate.  I first met them at our church.  I remember one particular night I saw them, I don't think they saw me though.  They were sitting in our sanctuary, pretty much alone, and were praying.  That attracted me to them, and I was really thankful that before long they became a part of our small group.  We had a great small group.  It became an intimate and trusting group.  One where we could share our deepest longings and our most painful hurts.  We learned that Tom and Lois had recently spent over a year in the Ukraine as missionaries and had fallen in love with two little boys.  I still remember their names, and often I say a little prayer for them.  We all prayed back then that God would find a way to bring those boys into their lives permanently.    It was not to be.  God had plans unfolding, but we just did not know it yet.  

Our group grew closer and closer and sometimes we even let Tom and Lois know where we were meeting (inside joke) 

Nine years ago, my family experienced a major house fire, and this group carried us through that time and gave us a welcome home party after our renovations.  I still have the little bear fireman on my kitchen counter that Lois gave me to "protect" my kitchen from future fires.  

We waited, prayed, and cried for them and with them as God revealed His amazing plan and brought two perfect sons into their lives after a lengthy return trip to the Ukraine.  Watching this incredible family has been a joy.  This was always meant to be.  

We prayed for other events in their lives as well. We prayed for health issues and  for Tom to find a good job, (God , can we have a "do over" on that one?  We meant a good job close to us!)  

Tom and Lois have touched our own family in a profound way.  They love our boys and have devoted themselves to both senior high and college ministries.  Our boys have experienced genuine love and acceptance from both of them.  You know how special you feel about someone when they  genuinely love your children.  

As my health issues unfolded during the last year,  I was touched by the little things that Lois did for me.  She gave me a bracelet early on when my cancer was diagnosed to show me how God could make beauty from ashes.  When she learned that I was having trouble sleeping due to my fears and concerns, she made 2 music cds for me.  One for my days, and one for my nights.  Just today I was listening to one of them, and I thought so much about Lois.  I thought about how she ministered to me in such a real way.  About how she saw a raw and real need and met it.  

This is a couple that actually my husband and I have spent very little time with in the last year, but a couple that have made a huge difference in our lives.  They are leaving our area and I know we will miss their touch on our lives in a terrible way.  The northwest will be  very blessed when their family settles in and begins to share that touch.  

God be with you Tom and Lois and family.  

What happened to Gratitude?

Tonight husband and I went to KFC to have dinner courtesy of Oprah and KFC.   I left with a very satisfied tummy, but a very discouraged outlook on America. 

 Mind you, this was a FREE meal.

  When husband and I arrived there were about 15 people in line, all with coupons in hand.  After getting our meal and while dining there, at least 20 more came in, and as the others, everyone had a coupon for their free meal.  This coupon clearly states that this meal is a manager's choice meal, and  with this particular restaurant anyway,  that included which sides were given.  

Oh my, I have not heard so much complaining for a long time.  

People were upset when they would temporarily run out of grilled chicken.  What did they expect?   This restaurant was graciously replacing the grilled chicken with your choice of fried  when they ran out, and people still grumbled.  People complained about the sides, and about the fact that you could only print FOUR coupons.  

I made it a point to thank two employees for our meal and to tell them how delicious it was. 

It really was delicious.  I am also glad that we dined in, purchased drinks, and that we did not cause them to use the extra packaging on a carry out order.    

I thought though, how sad this experience was.  Our country is in the middle of one of its hardest recessions, and someone steps up to "give everyone in America a free meal".   I would think people would actually show a little gratitude.  I would also think that if the year were 1940 and someone would have done this that the public would probably have kissed the hands of those that prepared it.  

What has happened  since then ?   

31 years Ago...

This is the eve of my anniversary.  

31 years ago tonight I was anticipating my wedding day.  

Oh, if I had known then what I know now...I would have been even more excited.

I am so blessed to think that  God somehow saw fit to allow me to share my life with this man.  

Last year we went on a little get-a-way for our 30th.  We had absolutely no idea at that time just what was in store for us.   This past year of our marriage has proven to me a million times over that I made  the right choice for my husband.  He loves me so.  He has been an unbelievable anchor in my life. He has given me strength and  encouragement, and has shown me in so many ways just how deep his love really is. 

I am so thankful for the life we have built, one that is centered on Christ.  A life together that knows what is truly valuable.  I am thankful for our two sons, and the way we all  love each other.

 My life is so full. 

 I know that God provides for us in many ways.  The relationships that He helps us form on this earth are a huge means of His provision and I am so grateful for this particular relationship. 

So, tonight , on the eve of our 31st anniversary, I want to tell my husband how very much I love him,  how I am so glad he included me in the building of his world, and  how my world could never be the same without him.  

I  love you honey, thank you so very much.  

Happy Anniversary. 

Dancing in The Rain

I just love it when God gets my attention.  

A couple of posts ago I told you all that I miss that intimacy that I felt with God during my health crisis.  I was pretty much beating myself up over it.

 Well,  just this past Monday night I was with my girlfriends and one wisely told me not to feel bad because she felt that was  just a special time when God just gave me more, basically because I needed it.  She said that even though we are strong Christians, those intimate moments are reserved for times like that.  

 I chewed on that for a few days, ( I am like that, I must have a processing delay because I have to think about things for a while)

 Anyway,  I likened that statement to thinking of a parent. Thinking of a parent  who although has lots of children and loves them all equally,  the sick one gets to sit on their lap.  Thus, the sick one obviously feels a special connection at that moment in time  to that parent.  

Now if that revelation was not enough to make me "get it", God did it again. 

 This morning in church, it was almost as if God whispered, "Anita, it's not raining." 

 You may think I am crazy, and what in the world does that mean?  So, I will try to explain my train of thought this way. 

Remember when you were little, and playing or dancing in the rain was actually a fun thing to do?   My boys would beg to go out in the rain.  I was always the worried mom, thinking that a stray bolt of lightening would jump out of the sprinkles and hit my boys.  I was mostly too cautious to let them enjoy the hidden blessing in a rain storm.  I did give in at one point, and encouraged them to enjoy the rain.  I even  have the picture to prove it:

Look at those faces.  Do they care that it is raining?  

No, they knew how to "dance" in the rain.   They knew that special feeling , that although there might very well be a storm approaching, they had no control over it, and might as well do the best they could in that moment. 

I am thinking that maybe, for a brief moment in time, I remembered that as well.  That although there were "storms" all around me.  I  sought comfort up on God's lap, and at times He encouraged me to go out and dance.  

But to make God's point clear in my life now, I have to realize that it is no longer raining.  I have been very blessed with my recoveries and right now it is not raining in my life.  While I still may enjoy the "dance",  (I still enjoy my relationship with God just as much now as ever) it is not the same as when you dance in the rain.    

That is a special combination of events.  Dancing outside on a sunny day is wonderful, but not nearly the same as facing a storm and enjoying the dance in-spite of the circumstances. 

The following picture is a sign that my sister made for me at Christmas.  I loved it then, but just now the depth of those words are sinking in.  ( I told you I have a delay.  God just works on me that way.)

 

So, I guess I get it.  I can rejoice that I have a great relationship with God right now, when things are clear.  Yet, I can also have the knowledge that if that storm ever rolls back in, that I can crawl to Him, and ask to sit on His lap because I need it.   He will be there to pick me up or hold my hand.  

He will supply whatever I need, and we will dance. 

Not sure where this will take me...

I have been, as I said wrestling with God on a few issues lately.  I just have not felt like I could sit down and put it all into words.  Here goes.  

Warning--this post will not be an upbeat, "look what I bought" kind of post, so continue reading at your own risk.  

Issue #1 :

There is a little girl at our church that is in the midst of a terrible battle with cancer.  She is not even two years old and has endured more than most of us will ever see in a lifetime.  What began as a rare liver cancer has progressed to her lungs and she is fighting for her life.  Her mom keeps a blog  which truly humbles me as I read her updates.  My mind and my knowledge of God tells me that I should not think this way, but my heart hurts and wonders why this little girl is so gravely ill.  More precisely, why was I blessed so much in the last year?  Why did I survive both a heart attack and a rare and serious form of thyroid cancer in a 4 month span?  Why did I dodge the breast cancer scare just a month after that?  I KNOW I should not question these things, but to be completely honest, there is some survivor's guilt going on here.  Why did I get along so well, and this precious little girl is struggling so?  I keep going back to the scripture which tells me that His ways are not my ways. 

 I am not even sure what my ways would be in this situation, and  I guess this is where trust comes in.   I do know that God is in control and that all the days of our lives are numbered,  but until those question marks straighten up I will still wonder. (see the quote at the top of my blog- -something to hold on to- -) 

If you have a special scripture to share with me here, feel free, just be sensitive to the fact that I already know that I  should not feel this way.  My heart just hurts for her and her family, and those feelings lead me to this thinking .  

Issue #2

I am going to be really honest here and tell you that I have struggled with this for some time. 

 I will set this one up this way:

Imagine you are the parent of a quite independent child.  That child rarely calls, rarely visits, and  does not come to you for much advice, because they prefer to handle things on their own. They live each day, pretty much without your help.   Now, at the same time, there is no doubt in your mind, or theirs for that matter, that they truly love you.  There is no rebellion here, just an independence that prevents them from communicating much.  When a serious issue occurs though , they will call and visit more frequently.  

This is where I came in.  I have become that independent child and I hate it. 

 I am speaking spiritually here, and if you know me well, then you know that my earthly parents have been gone a very long time.   My relationship with God however, is not at all where I want it to be. 

When I was dealing with my previous health issues I was so very dependent on God.  There was nothing I could "fix" on my own and I cried out to him moment by moment.  The song,  "I Need Thee Every Hour"  became a life song for my husband and I .  I looked for wisdom from God everywhere.  I listened and I truly felt He spoke to me.  I picked up wisdom in songs, conversations with friends and family, scriptures, and little things throughout each day.  I hungered for Him.  I needed Him to fill my days and my nights. Especially my nights.  I was taught so many lessons about waiting, trusting, and knowing that things would be okay.  One way or another, things would be okay. 

Where did that longing go?  Now, before I have the nay-sayers telling me that God is just a crutch,  I do not believe that for a minute.  I know that it is because of my everyday relationship with God that led me to cling to Him tighter during my storms.  But, truth be told, I want that deep hunger again.  

I do not want cancer again,  but I want the dependency of God once more.  Part of me tells me that the fact that I am wrestling with this is stirring up those longings once again anyway.  I just want to get back to that feeling where I lived as if  God was truly everything.  

I was asked last week if I wanted cancer again, to which I said no.  Then I was asked if I wish it never happened.  That was not so easy to answer, because of what I just revealed.  I learned so much about God during that time, was blessed so greatly by God, by friends, and by my family.  It would be sad to have not experienced those blessings in a lifetime. 

I am not sure I will have a quick resolve to either of these issues.  I am just the type of person that until I write about them, they stay all bottled up and will fester all the more.   I covet your prayers though as I do work through these. 

The Bucket List

Tonight husband and I hunkered down and watched a movie together. 

 I was really hunkered down, I was wrapped up in my Snuggie (yes, I have one thanks to my father in law) and another blanket on top of that one.  This nasty cold was making me freeze.  Another thing about this cold:  husband picked us up some sandwiches for supper (pizza burgers from a favorite restaurant), and I could hardly taste mine.  What a waste.

Anyway, back to my point of this post. 

 We watched The Bucket List.  I am not a fan of Jack Nicholson, in fact, I even avoid his movies. However,  I had heard from a few people that this one was good so we put it in our Netflix queue.   I must say that it is a good movie.  Made me sad though.  Also made me think about my own "bucket list", rather the fact that I don't have one.  That movie makes me wish I did though.  The last year makes you think about that stuff.  Now, I realize that I am not in the same boat (thankfully) as the guys in the movie, but I still wonder what I would like to do.  

I wonder, is that something you have ever thought about?

2009 ~ The Year to Come

Never thought I would get so excited about a new year.  Never before have I felt so strongly about the fresh start and everything people talk about when the calendar page flips.  Mostly my life just slides from one year to the next without much fanfare.  

This year it is different.  

I thought about writing one of those "Year In Review" posts. 

 Well, I only thought about that for about 3 seconds.  Don't really want to go there.  

However, as much as I don't feel the necessity to go back over all the details of the last year, I can't really say that I want to forget them either.  In some ways, this has been the most important, most pivotal year of my life.   I have definitely been changed, and not just physically.  When I look ahead to the new year I want to put those changes into practice and learn from them.

I have never been big on resolutions.  

Why make promises you can't or won't keep?  

This time though my resolutions are of quite a different nature and the urge to keep them is strong.  

I want to do the following things this next year:

• I want to be appreciative.  I want to show my appreciation to God and to people around me for the blessings in my life.  Just today I looked up at the gray, cloud speckled  sky with a bit of sun peeking through and I thanked God for such a beautiful sight.  I thanked Him for the cold shot of fresh air hitting my face and the way the sun seemed to sneak in with that air as I breathed.  I never want to lose this new appreciation for even the simple things. 
• I want to be positive.  I know that with the type of cancer I had that there is a chance of recurrence, but I do not want to live my life with a cloud of cancer hanging over my head.  I would rather live my life covered with a cloud full of all the blessings that God gave me over the past year.  A cloud so full that it could burst open any minute and rain those blessings over me any time I even start to think negative.  
• I want to be a blessing.  Lets face it.  I have been blessed this past year in every way you can imagine and  it is about time that I start spreading those blessings around.   I need to do this because without returning the favors they stop with me.  
• I want to grow.  There is a reason God chose to extend my life and to keep living without growing seems pointless.   I want to learn more about God and develop an even  closer relationship with Him.
  

I guess that is what I am aiming for personally in this next year.  Physically, I really don't want a repeat (a "do over" might be nice, but not a repeat) of next year,  but come what may, I know that my God can handle it. 

Have a Blessed New Year.  Take stock of what your life really is.  Change what you can for the better , and allow God to manage the rest.