Something to hold on to...

"Today I am one day nearer home than ever before. One day nearer the dawning when the fog will lift, mysteries clear, and all question marks straighten up into exclamation points!
 I shall see the King!"     Vance Havner

Saturday, September 6, 2008

The Two Worst Words in the English Language

There are a lot of bad words in the English language. A lot of ugly cuss words, a lot of mean hateful words, and a lot of dreaded words (cancer being one of them). But I have decided hands down that the two worst words, at least for me, are these:

What if...

Think about it. What good can come from asking those two words? Believe me I have asked them. I asked them a few different times in the night last night. I have to tell you though, that I decided if I was going to ask them then I was going to answer them. That is when the peace came. There is not a single "what if" that God cannot handle. Do that sometime. Ask the big "what ifs" that concern you, then actually answer them. It kinda goes like this:

"Okay God, what if there is a mistake in surgery and the doctor cuts something he shouldn't ? I understand that the jugular vein is pretty important."

"Yes, daughter, it is important, but you do not need to fear. I have gifted this surgeon with abilities to repair these things."

"But God, ( I bet he gets tires of us saying that) what if he can't?"

"Anita, what if he can't? Ask what you are really afraid of."

"No, I don't really want to ask that."

"No, but would you rather toss and turn than give that fear over to me?"

You can see where this went, I have asked God many of the what ifs, but like I said God has a pretty good answer for all of them.

I do have fears. I am not completely brave. I just have chosen to live my daily life during these last few weeks by not letting my fear drive me. Many people I am in contact with on a daily basis have had no idea that I have cancer. I credit that to God. He has allowed me to go through my days happy and somewhat pleasant. I am sure there will be more questions and undoubtedly more fears to come to the surface. While I may be trying the positive approach, I am not perfect. As I have said before, my husband is amazing. He hears my fears in a rational way as I tell him that while my head and heart knows something, I still have this pang of doubt or fear deep inside. He listens and even agrees with me at times, then he has just the right words to ease my mind. Case in point: I know that a scar is not the big worry here, that they could actually cut from stem to stern if it helps them to "get it all". I know that in my brain. I even really believe it in my heart. But really now, who wants a huge scar on their neck from ear to ear? Husband did not discredit me when I expressed that to him. He listened, shook his head in agreement with me when I expressed my anxiety, and then he reminded me that this scar heals well and will not be very noticeable after a while.

While I am on the subject of my husband~ He took time out from his day yesterday and hand delivered a planter with flowers in it to school with a beautiful card because he wanted to cheer me up. He brought a planter because he thought I could keep it on my desk this year at school. He knew that my hard shell was developing a few cracks due to fatigue and he knew just what I needed, an extra dose of thoughtfulness. Mental note: that is another blessing from all of this. God is teaching me again to appreciate my husband.

I know I wandered form the title. I don't care. This is not Random House, this is Anita's house. You get what you get.

Plans for the day: sister was going to come up and help me deep clean today. However she is snotty and I don't want her. Okay, I mean that literally, she has a cold. I do not need a cold right now. So, oldest son and I are going to college town and take a bunch of stuff to youngest. Then we are going out to lunch. Oldest and I will not stay late. I still have a house to clean. I just wanted to spend some fun time with my boys before Wednesday.


Inkling said...

Here's a good what if....

What if Custard Cup delivered? Life would be even more beautiful and I would know what I'm having for breakfast.

Okay, so I know you aren't a fan of Custard Cup. Still, I will eat it every day I'm there in your honor. And I will figure out another way that you do like to be a help and a source of joy for you. I don't know yet if I'll bake something, make something, or just be something. Instead of asking "what if", I'm going to ask, "what would Aunt Anita like?"

I love you and am praying for you. And I'm looking forward to visiting you when I'm there.

3 boys and a girl said...

I remember in my early Christian life, I made a "deal" with God. I had been a Christian for about a year and thought I COULD bargain with God. I told God that He could return IF he granted me a few things first...
1. He saved my parents.
2. He let me come home to Illinois and remodel the apartment and live there (so my parents WOULD be saved) and
3. He let me have kids.
You can see where this is headed. God has granted me everything I SAID He had to and so now, He can come back any time. Of course NOW I would add to my list. Believe me, seeing God is immensely appealing...but living to see my children grow up and growing old with Tom holds its own allure.

So, I say all this just to say you have MUCH to live for...and you KNOW it. And the WHAT IF... is, I think, a nasty but relevant question. Fear of the unknown is huge- and everything -is unknown. Sometimes it's just easier for us to fool ourselves into thinking that we are in control...or that God has to hold up His end of the deal. Thank God He already has. Love you, Anita - and praying hard for you. Praying for His peace and His hands all over this.