No news

There is nothing new to report tonight on my health issues.

Sometimes when there is nothing new going on, you would think I would almost feel "normal" but, to be honest, this cancer thing is on my mind 24/7 . Even when I am truly busy doing other things, it is still there. It worms its way into your brain and plays havoc with your thoughts. I almost feel like these days where nothing is going on are wasted days. I have said it before, I am ready to get this show on the road. I just wish I did not think about it all of the time. Truthfully, my thoughts are not all gloom and doom, I have many peaceful thoughts where I know God is in control, and where I imagine myself having a very smooth surgery and recovery. I know I will be well taken care of by family and friends, and I know I have a good medical team looking out for me. But even knowing all of that, it still consumes me. I do not like to feel so self centered.

There have been a few moments where I have come as close to having a panic attack as I probably ever have. I wrote how nights are sometimes hard, ( they are getting better) another time where I am vulnerable is in the shower. You can cry in the shower and get by with it. That has only happened one other time though since I was given the news. However the other day, for some awful reason, I started second guessing all of the surgical plans, and let my mind fill with doubts. I am over that now. I need to say that I have a wonderful husband. He is my thought processor through all of this. When those crazy thoughts and feelings surface, I run them past him. He listens. He also shares his wisdom. The cool thing, is that no matter how crazy I get, he listens first. I love that. He is a wonderful sounding board and lets me get those crazy feelings out.

My boys are dealing with this differently. If you know our boys then you know they were born different. Oldest is quieter and is having a delayed reaction to all of this. Although it has been nearly a month since my diagnosis, he is just now emailing his friends and talking about it. He rarely talks about it at home, and just a couple of nights ago he and I had a long talk about everything. Youngest on the other hand, put out a note to all his friends within minutes after hearing the news. His way of dealing with it was to get it off of his chest immediately. He did the same thing on the day of my heart attack. They are different and I think that they are both just dealing with it in their own best way.

Cancer just changes everything.